My first boyfriend in pre-school, Derek, gave me a gold bracelet in which he carved our names.
He started chatting up other little girls while we were dating, so I broke up with him by means of kicking my shoe at him. I proceeded to then flush the bracelet in the church toilet.
There, at the age of 5, my love affair for the inattentive and unavailable began.
I spoke with a dear friend of mine this morning over coffee. How obscure the pain of discovering that yet another potential lover is only interested in his own interests.
Watching her tears, I remember each of those as they have fallen down my cheeks.
Staying with someone simply because it's easier to not rock the boat. It's easy to just go along with what he says. It's comfortable to shut your eyes and pretend he actually cares about you.
So many lives I have mapped out with the man who only texts me when it's convenient for him. So many songs I have written in his name. So many walls I have built to keep him from seeing my humanity.
I saw myself in that beautiful woman's eyes this morning. Not having yet figured it out either, there is nothing I can offer.
I'm so baffled. Why would one seek after such a spotless gem without treasuring it? A quest for quest sake at the cost of something so delicate as a heart.
But people are much different in my head than they are in real life.
I spoke with a guy friend of mine recently who is still buying into the “I need a woman to complete me but I want to still do whatever I want so she needs to submit to my life path” mentality.
How can this work for any woman, and what man actually wants to spend the rest of his life with that?
The only way this kind of man, like my friend, would actually date me is if I were to move to where he was, and do whatever he wanted me to do.
But, then he would more than likely dump me for being too submissive.
It seems we never want in reality what we desire in dreams.
Women tend to believe that they need someone that will take care of them and lead them into what they are meant to do….in reality, we need to be our own complete people. We need to be only led by the spirit, our own conscious desires and discernment.
Being single is both heaven and hell.
It's amazing to feel comfortable and safe and happy and wonderful and raw and content.
But it's incredibly empty to feel like no one in the world can see you….you're the person who dresses up in the mascot uniform; the woman who hides behind makeup; the man who never cries and only communicates behind technology.
And I just keep getting older.
That's one of the only guarantees in my life.
I was born. I am aging. I will get worn. I will die.
Everything in-between is just a whisper; a suggestion to move from one place to another. Blindly walking about in the darkest of nights, hearing voices of those around me.
Friends will begin to understand me, the family will finally get my quirks.
But, will anyone know me.